Moon Songs and the Curse of Imagination

Ubud, Bali


I cried over lost loves and out of loneliness today. Hormones didn't help.

Recent disappointing news that I'd probably not have 2 out of 2 close friends visiting with me in Bali after all, finally sunk in. I was so looking forward to their visit. I'd imagined how one friend would adore the soft quality of light early morning in the rice paddies, and the other the soothing night ambience of a particularly sophisticated lush garden cafe.

One curse of being an artist is that one's facile imagination quickly conjures hoped for scenarios so vivid that one can too quickly become attached to them as the truth. And when it becomes apparent that that future won't happen, these crystalline images shatter like multiple movie scenes on glass... and one is left with a somber dark void.

As independent as I am, I'm finding that I prefer sharing adventures with good company. And when in a country where there's language issues, one eventually craves a good conversation beyond "where are you from? Where are you staying? Are you married? Do you have children?" Plus, when witnessing magical and beautiful things on a regular basis, I want to share the experience! It's fun for the duration, and for future reminiscing.

I'm also feeling a little at a loss with what to do with myself, since I'm quickly approaching day 40 of my trip, which has typically been the maximum length of my vacations abroad. I'm feeling pressured by the challenge of making the most of the remaining 4-1/2 months. It's a working sabbatical to turn my career around, and peripheral specters of failure are never far. I'm having to create my own special structure in new territory without mentors. I'm trying to strike a productive balance between staying focused on "the plan", and staying open to better possibilities.

Fortunately, when feeling stuck, I try to be productive. I moved my energy around by doing tub fulls of handwash as I wept. Made, the owner of my accommodation, came up to my Balinese tower, and encouraged me to come down and partake of the family lunch board. I scarfed while everyone was out running errands. It occurred to me that they must think me slightly strange, since I've spent so much time doing seemingly nothing the last couple of weeks. At least they've seen me paint.

I left for the Children's library in town. It ended up being a great thing to do. The wind was just cooling enough to make the 30 minute walk bearable. When I arrived, things were less than promoted, yet better in some respects. This is sooooo Bali. I expected the place to be open till 9pm and to peruse the children's book section. The place closed a half hour after I arrived, and the latter was only open 3 days of the week (not today of course). I still found great reading material to concern an educator (me, since I'm writing a children's educational storybook), I also found an enchantingly airy rooftop reading area next to a lush garden home with several lovely bamboo cages of cooing birds. there was also a tiny mop of a puppy that entertained me with his very bad and comical puppy behavior and sharp teeth. He bit my toes and wrangled with the much longer-than-he feather duster. Before I left, I bought a wonderful low tech booklet of zeroxed children's songs. It included the song Mariane (the compound's nanny/cook) had sung to me the night before... which I wished I had the words to.

Later that night, she and Wyan (the compound's Mom and co-owner) and Wyan's toddler delighted us all by singing many of the tunes, which I recorded with my digital camera. I was thrilled at the thought of transcribing at least a couple of these songs when I got back to the USA. Wyan promised to write and translate one song that wasn't in the book. It was about a conversation between a grandfather and grandchild about the moon. Wyan was excited to relive her youthful memories, and to have me illustrate an old fashioned Balinesse compound scene where grandparents slept in rooms without walls, and the ground was natural and soft. She told me of her moonlight childhood games, and I'm eager to include them in my storybook. My storybook series structure is starting to solidify... and I'm having great fun with the research.

It's just what I needed.